Naggers Anonymous

I am standing on a soap box so be forewarned. What is the main complaint most husbands have about their wives? She nags too much, have you ever heard that? I hear men saying that all the time. I used to hear it all the time before I got married and I wondered what happens to women when they get married that turns them into that? I just looked at it with logic; every man can't tell the same lie so there must be some truth to it. There is. My hubby is smart enough to never say the n word to me; he goes around it by telling me I say the same thing over and over again. But, the accusation is still there. Here is what I learned about nagging and marriage. Of course you nag when you say something and it is ignored or disregarded the natural reactions are repeating yourself or making your request again. Now I can only speak for me but most little things I don't sweat. If I say, "Can you get the mail?" and he ignores me or doesn't do it I don't get all uptight. If it's about something minor or something I could do myself I don't care. Marriage sometimes is about picking your battles; you can't fight every one that leads nowhere. So I choose not to get myself all wound up about the simple things. The important issues, anything related to our child, finances, residence, loved ones, etc. yes I am going to nag, say the same thing same difference. Because my husband and I are partners it is mandatory for our priorities to be in sync that's the only way the operation will run smooth. So, it frustrates me when it has to get to the point of nagging about something that should strike the same sense of urgency or importance in my partner. So this is my new rule, husbands are no longer allowed to accuse wives of nagging if the topic is of significant importance. If this is the situation then the husband must take into account that they are somehow behaving in a way that is deficient. Marriage Law.

Call Me Nike

For so many years I have been talking about doing so many things. I watch cooking shows and the food network and say, "I wish I could cook like that or I'd like to make something like that one day." And I never did. In the interest of construction I am going to become a doer. Nothing to it but to do it J. I am starting off this revolution small so I am trying to cook at least one new main dish and one new dessert per week. The only rule is the recipe has to be completely new to me. I took advantage of the gift of a slow cooker hubby sprang on me last week and made a slow roasted chicken and slow cooker beef barbeque ribs. I also made cheesecake topped brownies and a triple layer Oreo pie. I feel so accomplished, it's the small things really that make a difference in the big picture, and hubby is in culinary heaven. On tonight's menu is honey glazed pineapple chicken over rice. There are so many more things in addition to being creative with food and learning how to cook new dishes that I want to accomplish. I am proving to myself dish by dish that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Peer Pressure

It has been said that when women dress they don't do so to impress the men they do so to impress the women. True statement, well at least with me it is. I am critical of myself and I am in turn critical of others under the same standards I put on myself. I've been on the giving and receiving end of girl-on-girl criticism and in an effort to eliminate it from myself I have begun to see it from the outside in. When I made the decision to free myself from relaxers the women in my life who were against it said things like, "So what, you're just going to wear your hair nappy?" Or the asked, "What if you have to go somewhere important or if you have a job interview?" Everyone has their own idea of beauty but I wonder if our "own idea" of beauty is being dictated (by whom is an entirely different mouthful) and perpetuated by us. With my hair situation I ran into a conflict with a deep set idea of "acceptable" hair for a black woman. Women who genuinely care for me said these things not to hurt me but it came from this dictated notion of how beauty should be achieved and because I was going against that it was automatically a negative thing. We watch the dove commercials and talk about accepting each other as women as we are but it doesn't show through in honest reactions I have encountered in so many situations when dealing with other women.

In the past I could have been classified as a mean girl and maybe some friends would still say that in certain situations so I am guilty of it too. And when I think about it we can't blame men entirely for the negative and narrow stereotypes and images of women in the media. We take the limited definition of beauty we are given and use that as the law book in which to judge the next woman. In my own experience I can say it's hard to remain confident in my idea of beauty and my appearance when "acceptable" is completely opposite. I find myself excited when I see another natural hair rocking woman when I am out and about. I feel an instant connection and respect for them like that's what I'm talking about fight the power. Because I choose to not straighten my hair or wear long wigs or weaves and because I choose not to dress over sexed I stick out like a sore thumb in my community. The same images are stressed in the media and you're left feeling like there is only one way to be. I'm glad I have gotten to a level of maturity that I can see through the peer pressure to fit into a box and gather the courage to be myself. You have to have that when you encounter a stranger through the course of your day and she gives you the once over, we are all too familiar with, and you just know that she is deciding if you fit into her beauty box.



 

Jumper

The marketing offer wasn't worth the wait, I'm sending my galleys back today.  I am letting go and opening myself to whatever opportunities publishing my first novel will bring.  I won't look down, not even when I'm in doubt.  My direction is only up.

Dream Deferred?

Am I holding myself back? I have finished proofing the galleys of my novel made all the corrections and decisions to be made but I have not sent the book back in for printing. Two days before I finished with my proofs, the company I am self-publishing through had a promotion for authors who sent their proofs back in for printing before a certain date. The offer was for free marketing services which I'm sure I could use. I asked if the offer would still be available even though I was a couple days late and it wasn't. So, I decided to hold off on sending my material in, in hopes there will be another promotion and I can get some services for free. It does make sense but I wonder if my "fear of success" issue is really the culprit behind the decision. I have been working to publish this book for over two years and if I am honest with myself and you, I have been standing in my own way for two years. In my heart I believe in my talent but I am so afraid of rejection so many times I close myself off from it so tight that I close myself off from success as well. 

~Some said HOV, how you get so fly I said from not being afraid to fall out the sky – Jay-Z

I wish I had the courage to leap when it comes to my writing. I think if I had more faith in myself and my ability to be a novelist I would put more focus into my craft. I control how successful or how much of a failure I will be. This blog has been encouraging me to write every day, and I'm getting back to the essence of me. I forgot how writing gave me energy, how writing centered me and gave me an escape. Well, the generator just kicked back on. This under construction project is so important to me and important for my family and I will just continue to improve. I will be 20+10 soon and I would like to leave my reckless, irresponsible, wild and free 20's and emerge into the woman, mother, wife and writer I always knew I would be.

Today I am changing the way I have been handling my business yesterday. Today I am going to crunch the numbers and figure out if waiting for another marketing offer is worth it. If it turns out it's not I am going to pull the trigger, I am not afraid to fall and all I have to do is…

Just…

Jump.

SAHM --> WAHM

I just found (I seriously need to get my inbox and junk mail under control) the email I was waiting for with the names and email addresses of legitimate work from home corporations where I can apply. One of today's tasks (hmm… I may be wrong but I wrote today in possessive form like the task belongs to the day and not me) is rewriting my resume and cover letters to send it off. This year is for financial responsibility and stability.

Owning It

Hubby and I had yet another row. My Bella was playing with him on the couch and he was being inattentive long story short she falls off and I get PISSED. He was playing the PlayStation as usual and I guess that's why I was so mad because of what he was doing instead of watching her. His first response was, she didn't fall! When I know he knows I saw and heard her hit the ground. The argument took a wrong turn at that point because it was no longer about my Bella falling it was about his lying. It makes me feel crazy when he looks at me with a straight face and tells me that something didn't happen when it clearly did. He tries to Jedi mind trick me and by the time I get finished arguing about that the main issue is left untouched because we're exhausted and too pissed off to deal with anything else. Today was about him being more careful and attentive when he has my Bella but we ended up fighting about if she actually hit the ground or the top of his foot. I wish that when he and I have an issue we could argue (the mature way) if necessary, come to some kind of understanding and own up to the part we played in the issue. But too many times in our relationship I own up to my actions and he dances around admitting fault. Taking responsibility for his actions is something that is so hard for hubby and I wonder sometimes if our marriage can ever be fixed if we don't work on our individual issues because they play such a huge part. If I let myself be pessimistic I wonder if he is even at a place in his life where he is ready to improve in that way. I try to show by example and own my missteps, I make a point to say oh that was my fault or that was all on me I'm sorry. But he has yet to do the same it's so frustrating and belittling because he doesn't understand that I feel like my feelings don't matter to him when he neglects to address them.
The fight got ugly. Well I will be honest and say the fight made me act ugly and talk mean and cuss because I am holding on to a lot of resent and unresolved issues with him that spill over every time we have a problem. I wish he knew I didn't want it to be like this. I wish he knew that I do wish I could forget everything that has happened and just love him. That's what my heart wants me to do but my head is logical enough to tell it when it has been disrespected. Every time I look at my Bella I pray we are not broken beyond repair.

Hurry Up and Wait

I get all set to get down to business my husband left for his basketball game and my Bella is asleep so I am all systems go to accomplish something. My focus at the moment is going live with this blog so I go to blogger.com to create one with my special template all ready and what happens? I end up waiting for 114 (I really wish there was a way to bold numbers because I definitely screamed that) updates to my computer so I can update my internet explorer and watching a rerun episode of Gilmore Girls while I wait. It's the episode where Babette's cat Cinnamon dies and Lorelei is beginning things with Max and Rory is beginning things with Dean. I swear I can't ever get tired of that TV show. So I wouldn't feel bad about wasting this precious baby-free time watching an episode I've seen a hundred times before I'm writing this. At least that is a solid attempt at doing something different than I would have did yesterday. Yesterday I would have kicked back enjoyed the show grabbed a snack and justified not getting anything done on the software update drama. That quote I put on FB a couple days ago has been sticking with me, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Albert Einstein said that. So to try to cure my own special brand of insanity (in my mind I said that like Naturi's mother in Avatar, J) I am consciously changing my repetitive behavior because I would like different results. I would like to be a successful writer so I have to write every time I inhale and exhale and I want to be more motivated so I can set a better example for my Bella. Small steps over time can cross a great distance, I don't know if anyone has ever said that but if not I just did.